Though we have retained our human- female, upwards of thirty- for some years now, it seems that we have only just now at this very peculiar moment in time developed an allergy to her that, sadly, we can no longer tolerate. After much thought and careful deliberation, we have decided that is in our best interests to let our human find a new home where she can live out her remaining years.
As two felines approaching our elderly years, we are finding it more and more impossible to take care of her. Frankly, as a more mature human she is a little bit harder to take care of than she was in her younger (cuter) years, though we suspect that won’t bother some of you. Although she is fully house trained, any potential homes must meet the following requirements:
Must have access to the outdoors. Though our human often prefers to lounge inside for what seems like days curled up on our king size bed with a book, we have noticed that she tends to lose her mind a little if she is kept indoors for too long.
Must have a willing ear. Our human is rather chatty, at least towards us, and tends to drivel on about nonsense when frankly we have no idea what she’s talking about unless she mentions food or treats. It really can be a bit tedious, and so patience is a definite must.
Must put up with human’s unending need to use technology in some form or another, especially in regards to laptops or TVs or phones. Our human has failed to learn that laptops and phones are primarily to be used for lounging or napping on, and that TVs should really only be turned on if there is a good bird show on that we can get excited about as a family. Be prepared to watch Troop Beverly Hills at least nine thousand times.
Must have sugar available at all times. This can easily be kept alongside a glass for her water, but it is a definite must. Our human becomes easily cranky at about 4:00 PM each day if she has not had her ample dosage of sugar. Please keep in mind that the form the sugar comes in does not seem to matter, and often a simple soda or chocolate bar will do. In exceptional cases, an entire bag of candy may be required.
Must be able to provide pizza from time to time. This is our human’s favorite treat, and we would be saddened to think that she would not be receiving her human Temptations.
Must have a cozy bed available. Our human loves sleeping. For better or for worse, she also demands to share our quite large bed with us, so you must ensure that the bed you have is large enough to fit all three or six or ten of you. To this end, you must also have a blanket (not to mention clothing) that you can shed your fur onto because she loves that, and it will comfort her to be reminded of you throughout the day.
Must have a cleaning lady. Though currently we do not have one in our home, we find that this is likely a necessity for our human’s future home. Our human is a tad on the lazy side, and therefore loathes cleaning, so if you expect to ever find your home in a state of splendor you should already have a cleaning lady (or cleaning gentleman, either will do) or look into hiring one ASAP.
Must be located in a city that provides sunny weather for at least ninety percent of the time. We find that our human tends not to function very well in inclement weather, and can be prone to a breakdown after long bouts (endless days) of rain, so we would rather not see her go to a rain inclined environment.
Must be able to offer variety when it comes to all things. Our human is quite finicky and not easily satisfied. She likes to have new opportunities, adventures, and boundless excitement available at all times or else she becomes rather bored with life and prone to bouts of despair.
Must have toys available that you can use to play with her. Our human just loves it if you chase things for her that she throws or dangles from a stick in her hand. In fact, she can never seem to get enough of this activity, and it should be repeated often throughout the day.
Our human is very precious and loved, and we will be sad to see her go. As of yet, she isn’t quite aware of this arrangement yet, so when you come please be prepared with a human sized kennel and a slice of pizza or two as she may be quick to revert back to her semi-feral state (we tamed her quite a bit, you see). Of course, we will be keeping her house as well, but she doesn’t know that yet either.